chicken soup for the dysphoria | Spectrum Literary Journal

by Mercury-Marvin Sunderland

1 3-pound chicken
1. dysphoria is not a requirement to be transgender. dysphoria is a mental illness which is where the “born in the wrong body” narrative comes from. to say dysphoria is a requirement to be trans is to say that to be trans is to be mentally ill. there are many trans people who don’t have dysphoria. they just know that they’re not cis. i can’t say i fit many of the stereotypes about trans men but i can say that i do fit the dysphoria stereotypes.
4 carrots halved
1. a cis person compares me to
  1. the bearded lady
  2. butch lesbians
  3. woman woman woman
  4. every form of female masculinity
  5. but never to other men
4 stalks celery halved
1. my cis cousin stalks through all my facebook photos to tell me what a pretty girl i am.
  1. i block her and never speak to her again
    1. she writes my birth name in all caps when my mom posts a photo of me on my seventeenth birthday. i didn’t know it happened until my mom told me. my mom tells me to be patient because my cousin is autistic. i tell her i am too and that’s not an excuse.
2. i have at least five or seven more cases after that of online stalking on the grounds of me being transgender.
  1. my facebook profile picture is taken out and mocked
    1. i do not fit the masculinity that they wanted.
      1. i am both not masculine or feminine enough yet too masculine and too feminine.
3. i have a thorough online stalker who evades every block i give
  1. i block her on facebook
    1. she makes a fake account and friends me before i realize what happened and block again
    2. she stalks my facebook art page until i block her there too
  2. i block her on instagram
  3. she contacts my twitter that i literally only used like once or twice
    1. i block her on twitter
  4. i block her number
    1. she texts me from a new phone number about information on my facebook art page
      1. i block that number too
  5. i block her email
    1. she makes a new email to send me the nastiest email i have ever received
      1. she attaches a gif of someone being smacked hard in the face
        
        i block that email too
2 small onions halved
1. when you don’t know i’m trans
  1. you ridicule me for my femininity
2. when you do know i’m trans
  1. you ridicule me for my masculinity
  2. you ridicule me for my femininity
1 clove of minced garlic
1. your breath shall smell of every thing you have ever said.
1 t-ablespoon of canola oil
1. spill.
1 bay leaf
1. you do nothing. you are nothing.
  1. you think i am nothing without you. but without you i wouldn’t have had the barriers you gave me.
    1. barriers are not a gift.
    2. pain is not a gift
    3. trauma is not a gift
      1. that is just something you romanticized.
2 t-ablespoons chopped parsley
1. there is a gene that makes cilantro taste like soap.
  1. i hope that cleans out your mouth.
two cups of pasta
1. you ridicule me for growing a beard. not because you think having a beard is shameful but because you say my name mercury in quotation marks.
water to cover
1. i thought that being on testosterone would stop my menstrual cycles but it didn’t. it does for some people but it doesn’t for me. there’s always this one week in the month when i get all the cramping and suddenly i can feel the whole way my body isn’t right
  1. i lose lots of sleep
  2. i cry
  3. i am short-tempered
  4. i am overwhelmed
    1. i just don’t bleed anymore.
      1. when i was a sophomore in high school i had a medical condition that caused me to be on my period every day for an entire year
        
        i literally thought i was gonna die of blood loss
        
        i think about that every time someone calls these things inherently female
        
        because i may bleed to death but you will always see cisgender supremacy as the highest importance.
salt and pepper to taste
1. you may call me edgy for saying i love to drink your cisgender tears. but i will sip this soup better than breakup ice cream.
1 t-spoon chicken bullion
1. bull
  1. shit
    1. your
      1. idea
        
        that
        
        commenting
        
        on my fucking facebook post
        
        about how dysphoric i am
        
        by saying i’m pretty like my mother
        
        is
        
        fucking
        
        bull
        
        shit
        
        why
        
        did
        
        you
        
        honestly
        
        expect
        
        any
        
        other
        
        reaction
        
        than
        
        me
        
        going off
        
        at you
put the chicken and vegetables in a pot on the stove. pour the water over. don’t let it overfill. let the pot go without a lid. watch the boiling pot. watch the way that the chicken will fall right off the bones. this chicken shall melt like the motherfucking bad witch from the wizard of oz. skim off any residue from the top of the water. if a witch drowns she is innocent but if she floats she is to be executed. a watched pot does boil. your face should be covered in the sweat and steam of your warlock hands.
1. your arms are covered in your old cut scars and your legs are covered in a history of eating disorders.
take it all from this pot. this is your cauldron and you are gonna get that goddamn strainer. drain it all out you bastard. chop those fucking vegetables. go back to the pot and throw back all that isn’t bone. season this broth with your salt and pepper and bullion.
1. make sure cis people eat up the taste of your sob stories
  1. you must open up to everyone who asks
  2. yes
  3. tell me everything
  4. about your traumas
  5. i guess i just have to
  6. tell you my life story
  7. or else you won't leave me alone
    1. tell the story of your
      1. name
      2. history
      3. everything
        
        to every hungry mouth that asks
serve.